Perspective

Probably my biggest struggle this quarter has been dealing with a large amount of change and uncertainty--and the prospect of more--in my life, while at the same time fighting for the right perspective and a clear, coherent vision through it all. I'm still fighting for that, and it's not always easy. In particular, I know I want to follow God and do whatever will honor Him most, but I frankly don't know exactly what that means as far as where I am to be and what exactly I am to be doing.

Sometimes I just want there to be one burning sense of what I am "supposed to" do--a career, a ministry track, a place, something. Up to this point, although I do believe that God has specific good works that He has for me, and probably even a specific place I should be and a specific "job" for me to do (whatever that means), I can't say I see it extremely clearly. This is especially difficult for the long term. I know I don't need to know what my plans are for 10 years down the road, but at the same time I want to set myself up for whatever God is calling me to, not wasting time doing my own thing when I could be following God's call on my life more closely. In this way, even decisions that are "short term" could be huge in how they affect my future. And frankly, that can be unsettling.

This week I got encouraging news when I was offered a teaching fellowship in the city of Milwaukee, where I would teach high school math for three years. It's an opportunity that seems really cool, albeit difficult, and I most likely will accept. The reason it's not a definite "yes" yet is that I want to really bring it before God and just talk things through with others. Rash decisions are dangerous. Also, it's something I'm really interested in and excited about, but to be honest, the prospect is also pretty scary considering I have never had personal classroom teaching experience in my life.

The main issue here, though, is trust. Simply put, I don't know where my life is headed, either short or long term, and that's not comfortable. I think what God wants me to learn, though, is that He knows, He's in control, and He's good. The idea is really simple, but believing it moment to moment is probably one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn (and continue to learn and re-learn). I don't have my future mapped out for me, and I can't say with any certainty what my life will look like in a few years; but God wants me to rest in Him and continue daily in what I'm supposed to do now, trusting that He is in control.

The guy who disciples me here at NU directed me the other day to an awesome Psalm that touches on a lot of the issues here much better than I ever could. Here's a portion of that passage:

10 The LORD foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
11 But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.

12 Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
the people he chose for his inheritance.
13 From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;
14 from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth—
15 he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.

16 No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
17 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
18 But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
19 to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.

20 We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
21 In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
22 May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.

I don't need to rejoice in the fact that I have set up the future of my dreams for myself, or the fact that I'm about to get a fancy piece of paper from a fairly prestigious university, or that I'm a generally capable person with a good network of family and friends. If I really understand God's steadfast love for me, I'm going to be rejoicing, even if I don't know what's going on and there's pain mixed in with the happiness of my life. If I realize that the God of the universe loves me sacrificially and is helping me and has good intentions for how my life can be fulfilling and honoring to Him, I have no need to fear. If I really can learn to trust without always seeing, there will be joy on the other side... and even in the midst of the chaos. After all, God has the perspective I need, He is omnipotent, and He works all things together for my good. And with that in mind, it's a lot easier to get pumped about where my Father has me right now, and about what the future holds.