I get down

I have so many things I want to write about, but I have to take at least a few minutes before getting back to the math to remark on something God's been really been bringing up a lot lately--humility. I mean, by now I've got to be the most humble man alive.

First of all, there are a lot of ways that I'm reminded of how faulty and weak I am. I've made decisions I'm not proud of. I forget important things. I'm a math major, and yet I can't seem to take a math class where I'm not at the brink of failure. Of course, not all of my life is in utter disrepair. I'm thankful to be learning a lot about how to communicate in another culture and language, and I probably have more dreams than ever before. But in the end, I'm nothing in myself.

Sometimes I look at my failures and start to despair. I'm used to being expected to perform well, to being known for excellence in one way or another. I guess that's what happens when you go to a "first-tier" university, whatever that means (a university where everyone is expected to be a study-holic and where everyone has either a superiority or an inferiority complex? hmmm). Sometimes I forget that it doesn't matter whether I do well or fail, in the grand scheme of things. Don't get me wrong here. I'm a lover of excellence; I think that's a quality that I could never lose, even if I wanted to. I believe God made people in His image, and He made us for a life to be lived to the absolute fullest and best that we can possibly manage. On the other hand, God is Who matters. Whether I get an A in Abstract Algebra or whether I fail out of college and end up working driving trucks of "very gross weight" for Biff's, God is still God, He is still on his throne, and He is still the one who deserves all the glory. When I freak out about the fact that my performance is subpar according to my standards or those of others, I'm losing sight of the bigness of God.

Pastor Samuel, the guy who hosted me in his home and acted as my personal guide when I visited Puerto Montt last weekend, started talking about humility when we were sitting together in the car. "Humility is one of the most important qualities in life. But man, how hard it is to humble yourself before others, especially when you don't think you're in the wrong!" He talked about the fact that almost all church splits are over tonterías--they are completely avoidable and generally brought about by differing opinions and rampant gossip, rather than a desire to truly follow God's will. Along with humility goes obedience. As he put it, "when people come to me for counseling, they often say, 'Well, I think...' And I say, 'That's the problem. You don't need to think here, you need to obey.'" He clarified that there's certainly nothing wrong with thinking--God made us to do that. But when our human thoughts are contrary to God's, well, guess who's right? We'll see if you can figure out the answer.

Another curious thing he said was this: "After all these years of being a pastor, I'm convinced that people aren't happy because they don't want to be. People get into all sorts of problems--simply because they say things they don't have to say, they do things they don't have to do." I think this too is related to humility. Wanting vengeance, wanting to have always one's one way, having to get involved in everything--these qualities that cause so much trouble are antithetical to humility. Humility says, "God is right, others are more important than I am, and I want to live in peace with both God and others." I'm highly plagiarizing the Bible in all of these ideas. I highly recommend that you reference that book yourself... it's pretty amazing :)

Speaking of getting down, I think there's an Audio Adrenaline song I have to go listen to. Chao!